Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I Let Go

Anxiety has been overwhelming me for the last 7 months. While I have done an okay job of masking it (at times there was just no containing it) it has truly been affecting me in my daily life. From being distracted and unproductive at work, to worrying about it on a daily basis, to feeling like I was failing, my life has been overcome with it. I was gong to explain where the anxiety was focused but just thinking about it, stresses me out. Let's just say, it has to do with these two little ladies:

Let's just say that they don't have the most upstanding of parents. Dad uses them as pawns in his games, Mom, while I do believe she loves them, really would rather be out partying and having fun than to be home taking care of them and spending time with them. To give you an idea, mothers day: She has them since it is MOTHER'S DAY... she leaves them with my grandparents and goes out so her friends can take her out for dinner for mother's day. I know it isn't just me, that thinks that is messed up. Anyway, for the majority of the year, I was worried sick about them and where they were going to be and there was NOTHING I could do, except pray. And I know that is huge, but when you want to get up and physically do something
(or knock someone upside the head) it makes it really hard to give the situation over to God.

Things were getting really bad for me just before I went on my trip in May. I decided that while, I was gone, I wouldn't think about the bad aspects of the situation at all. For the most part, I didn't. For 2 weeks, I focused on my friends and myself. I enjoyed my trip. Although I did miss those two girls terribly (went a month without seeing them and THAT was rough). The break did me good. Shortly after I returned, I finally told my cousin (Mom) that I was sick and tired of her saying she was going to do something and then doing NOTHING. She didn't fight, she didn't care and it ticked me off!!! And I let her know that too. After, that, I decided, that I wasn't going to worry about it. I can't worry about it. I let go and Let GOD. All I can do is PRAY. And I have been doing a lot of that for them. Even though the divorce and custody is all finished, things can change, quick. I pray for their safety when they are with dad, I don't trust him and it scares the heck out of me to know that he is "responsible" for them. When they are with mom, they are living at my grandparents and I know for a fact they are safe there. But when they are with dad, I pray that God will protect them and that they will always know that they are loved by so many. If you feel it on your heart to pray for them, those prayers would be appreciated and I know God will hear them.